She toes the line of influencer and bully. For years now, I
have easily, and sometimes unknowingly, agreed to her plans for me. Both personally
and professionally. In this instance, I had just moved to Nashville and she had
decided that I would be pulled into her Girls Group. And so it was.
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| "It will feel good to get some steps in," she said. She meant 5 miles when it's 20 degrees. |
The group represented a variety of women in personalities,
age, marital status and, I learned quickly somewhere around mimosa 3,
gynecological issues. At this point it’s unclear exactly how the conversation
steered its way there (again reference the mimosas), but I just remember her announcing
I should get my eggs frozen. Everyone agreed. My response was proportionally witted
to my anxiety about aging and being single while also offering no real
commitment, “It’s not a bad idea…and I’m pretty sure Santa would pay. Maybe I’ll
look into it.”
While I didn’t jump in right away, I do think that was the
moment I decided to do it. I’m a sucker for peer pressure I guess. But, another
lovely attribute to our friendship, she sent me away from brunch with a
referral to a doctor and next steps to discuss it. And so it was.
Let’s be clear, I decided at that moment I was in. But I had
no egging clue what I decided to do. Just thought I’d save some money, take out
some eggs and Voila! Babies in five years!
I did have some uncertainty - but not about the procedure or process. Hard to be anxious about something you have ZERO understanding of and the idea of not actually having any eggs didn’t come to mind until much later. Instead I gave it a tiny bit of thought and found that all my anxieties were about facing my singleness, not so much my age. Again, it’s hard to give good deliberative thought to something you don’t know anything about but I remember thinking “sure, I’m 35, but that’s still young and I could meet someone at any moment and this would be a waste of money.” I knew 35 was officially considered geriatric in the obstetrics world, but if Janet Jackson can have a baby at 50, surely so can I.
We as humans are inclined to find a perspective shaped
around our own reality. I knew tons of people that have struggled with the
heartache of infertility and loss of pregnancies, but I felt that by stepping
up to this process I was admitting defeat to my singlehood and maybe even the
idea of marriage. I didn’t think I needed to concede. At the time I felt
that by saving my eggs for future use I was giving in to the fact that I was
not likely to find a partner. (Really is was my rap sheet of narcissists,
weirdos and creeps I had dated that really should have tipped me off, but some
lessons take time, I guess). I learned that this is such an empowering step for
single women showing that, in fact, you don’t have to concede or compromise
your values and dreams!!! But you should probably have a plan.
The scientific and medical process of egg retrieval is
pretty standard these days (although it’s worth noting that science is moving
fast with the cryopreservation – more on that later). But what I have learned is that there is no one path and a statistically infinite variety of
experiences with this process. Some women preserve eggs because of a fateful diagnosis
of cancer or early menopause. Some come to the process with the desire to
immediately implant to try to get pregnant. Some people are giving the eggs
away to someone else who may have had tried to retrieve for themselves and were
unsuccessful. I came to the table because through much reflection, prayer and
crying I know I want children and I know I have a partner out there and 35 was
too young, for me, to choose single parenting. So I decided at my annual visit
I would ask my gynecologist for a referral to the fertility clinic. Because you
know…modern health care is neat. More on that later, too.
I share this story first, because yes it’s the beginning,
but for me this singleness remains a central part of my story. Throughout every appointment, consultation or even just
reading a blog for research, I felt different than most people before me because
of what I lacked. I didn’t have a diagnosis or infertility or a boyfriend. I
had me and my passionate desire to carry a child and become a mother. Just me.
But be clear I was never alone. Among the many other incredible support systems
I found, she promised that she would help me the entire way.
And so it was.
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| #PPandGage |
