I want children. I am sure this started because I had limited experience with women who didn't have their own. Even my two closest Aunts without children were dedicated to us and to many others. The reality of my young world was that women have kids. But as I grew up and started to explore my own desires I have learned that my want drives from so much more than the fact that it is what I am "supposed" to do. I want to experience pregnancy and know if I will love it or if it will make me so sick and tired that I will never do it again regardless of the prize. I want to know if I can have the patience to raise compassionate helping humans who bring promise to a world full of injustice. I want to raise my children along side my friends and lean on them when I give up on the latest parenting trend and have them tell me I'm doing a great job. I want to try.
But not right now.
That's not entirely true. Truth is I would have started having children a long time ago but most of my relationships have been more focused on prevention rather than procreation. And for good reason. I believe I have a partner out there and am confident that the time will come to raise a family with him. But when? And why has it eluded me for so long? I am hard working, and funny, and loving, and a good cook and did I mention that I'm really fucking fun and.....often the uncertainty of finding a partner creates an anxiety so truthful it overwhelms my other truth of Motherhood. And in these moments, like many of us who don't feel lined up with expectations, my thoughts of hope turn to self-doubt and shame. I'm old enough to know that these expectations, whether brought on by myself or by comparison to others, are not real but sometimes I'm too exhausted to push them out. One time on the phone with girlfriend, I was in a downward spiral about yet another ridiculous breakup and the anxiety and self-doubt was coming in hot...she's stern yet deeply feeling with her love and said to me, "What if someone said all those words about me and you heard? You'd kick their ass. So knock it off! That's my friend you're talking about."
Knock it off. Right now. And later when it happens again.
I am a practicing Christian but have always struggled with the whole "just hand it over to God" thing. I want to, I really do. But it's just not that easy for me. So another strategy that has helped keep the fear of uncertainty at bay is knowledge and preparation. I'm realizing as I dive into this the egg freezing process again that the real power it gives me has less to do with getting children some day. Rather it helps me calm down about the uncertainty of HAVING to find a partner RIGHT NOW in order to have those kids someday. I am hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. Each religion or faith has a phrase which points to this practice: "God helps those who helps themselves", or my personal favorite, "Trust in God but tie up your camel." This plan and preparation helps me not date the bad ones (too long) and realize that while I may settle down I will never settle. It helps me understand my biological numbers so that I can family plan with all the information and not just the assumption that a 40 year old woman will be able to have a baby when she's "ready" despite all evidence otherwise. It ties up my camel while I practice trusting. And boy does it take practice and patience and self-care. My girlfriend also says, "You are brave and I am proud of you."
Right now I'm trying to understand what she sees.
It always makes me uncomfortable when she says it. She's a bit of a smart ass and I'm always taken aback by her stern truths. But really, I'm not brave. Bravery is the absence of fear. And Friends let me tell you there isn't a day of my life I have ever lived without fear. But I do feel courageous. Which according to our homie Mr Webster is "mental or moral strength enabling one to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear or difficulty firmly and resolutely." Firmly and resolutely. The fear is pushing me forward instead of holding me back and as a goal oriented gal, this will not be one goal that eludes me.
Right now I promise not to give up.
I write this specifically on Mothers' Day to pay tribute to all the courageous women I know. You (we) are all courageous. I don't say that to make light of any burdens you have or to pretend that I can empathize with the variety of journeys towards (or away) from parenthood which we travel. Being a mom is hard. Making a choice to not being a biological parent is hard. Being a step-mom is hard. Having a miscarriage is hard. Losing an adult child is fucking hard. Losing your mother is hard. And on and on...it's hard. I know that not everyone has the opportunity to freeze eggs before infertility is diagnosed and I certainly know that for some IVF is not financially feasible. I also imagine the paralyzing fear of keeping a child safe in an ever-changing world is enough for some to never try. I know that parenting is a selfless act sometimes required of selfish people and I know that some don't chose it...and for some the choice is made for them. I know. But I also know with unequivocal certainty that no matter what path you are on, whether it's the one you planned or one you have happened upon, you are meant to be here to shine. Believe it.
You're courageous where you stand. Right now.
xoxogg~
#talkfertilitybeforeinfertility
#tieupyourcamel
#comparisonisthetheifofjoy
#courage
#tieupyourcamel
#comparisonisthetheifofjoy
#courage
